I am angry with you

I am angry with you:

• for not showing any hint of distance Thursday night
• for telling all these sweet things
• for asking me come back soon on Friday morning (after our night)

I am angry with myself:

• not understanding it was a new first date  – a kind of test
• not giving you more time – listening more carefully
• being so stressed the very same day that I was tremling. It wasn´t because I would meet you. It was life. I wasn´t focused on the task. I wasn´t mentally prepared.

I was self-assure and believed we would have more time. We didn’t.

I hated

• the noisy restaurant where we couldn´t speak in peace (stress reaction)
• the lousy room, dirty shower and dirty kitchen
• the thin walls

I regret

• not giving you more time and not listening more carefully
• not reaching out that night I was so terribly ill. I had you twenty minutes away. I was all alone. Not that you coild have doke anything - I just needed an anchor point  outside the hotell. Not that it had mattered at all in the long run. But you had definitely not sent that message that day if you had known.

I am in pain

• by emotional overload caused by your message and my own stupidity
• by the my illness, the pain, the fear and the need for medical care but I couldn´t get that morning and the mistakes made by health care
• because not telling you and then giving you he chance to tell me in a softer way

I was alone.
I was in pain.
I knew you had checked out.
It was none of your business. 

Do you ever regret anything yourself? Do you ever say I am sory?  Do you ever think so?